My past obsessive thinking created feelings of fear, anger, resentment, worry and a myriad of other emotions that felt overwhelming in the past. None of them filled me with worthiness, always a lack of something if not everything.
I have lived in the neighborhood of my mind from my entire life and it hadn’t occurred to me how dangerous it was until some 25 years ago.
Every fear and worry I lived with, had been created by planting a seed of concern. I’ve been fertilized and watered it until it was a field of thistles forgetting I had only planted a single seed.
The initial concerns I had as a child were given to me by the suffering adults (my parents) in my life. They had no way of knowing what effects of their flawed beliefs, actions, and abuse would have on their children. They would need to have been clear-minded and open to grasp it.
Alcohol abuse affects the entire family.
I know many folks who have shared a similar story with me with no obvious alcohol had been seen. I know it’s not the only issue that can create the fears I held.
Many have other addictions or obsessions which can have the same effects. Alcohol, drugs, food, rage, work, and hoarding can all be difficult to live with. Feel free to add one you may have lived with as well.
What happened to myself and others I know, is we don’t feel safe or secure, whether there had been mental or physical abuse or none at all. Not knowing what was next was what caused the unbearable feelings.
What action or inaction could create a tsunami of whatever behavior’s that others do, that feeds the overwhelming fear of the unknown.
We are left to create a survival toolbox.
How and what can we do to make our surroundings OK.
We are constantly judging everything and everyone to see if it’s safe to move, connect or do anything.
How can we trust anyone when we haven’t a clue how? Trusting ourselves is challenging but feels the safest way. Then we can’t be disappointed.
We typically don’t ask for help because we’ve judge others as potentially unsafe so we can’t trust them to help the way we want, because we can’t control the outcome. We also don’t feel particularly worthy of anyone’s time or help.
Add to working alone, wanting it done right by my specs. I think that I have to do everything, or it won’t be done right or that I’m incapable of doing it perfectly so I don’t even get started.
Did you hear that tone in the previous Perfectionist’s thinking? Consider the image of the back of one’s hand on the forehead.
This comes from a lack of self-worth which is tied to our perceptions. We don’t believe others compliments because we judge them as untrustworthy or maybe they want something from us. “If they really knew me, they would run away.”
This is my shortlist with many other imbalances that could be added. Feel free.
All is not lost. There was a solution for me that may also help you.
I wasn’t alone in my group of wonderful beings. With guidance, I connected to something greater than myself. Not that I thought this was possible in the past, but there is a universal energy (creator, higher power, the God of my understanding, higher self, some of the terms that I use today) to describe this entity.
I’ve learned that when I think myself into a state of overwhelm, I need to shift my gaze up and remember I am not alone.
I used to believe I had to seriously think about an issue (which created the overwhelm), then found a process that helped.
1- I remember that I’ve been in this neighborhood before because it’s my mind. I need not be afraid as it is shiftable.
2- I start by listing things I am grateful for. Relationships are always at the top of this list. Then the most basic things in my life that sustain me are; a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my back and clean water.
3- I pray and meditate for guidance that I am heading in the right direction. I ask for a clear sign, although not likely a burning bush, I ask to be receptive to the clarity of whatever insights are presented.
These are handy tools to replace the unsafe feelings of obsessive thinking. The old neighborhood (in my mind) is no longer dark with the lights out, but sunny with the grass tended.
I have a choice to flip the switch and ask for help, trusting my higher self/soul and remain in balance as I look inside for the awareness I seek.
Choosing to go through life alone is not how I want to live. I do need and often take time to be at peace with where I am, to write down my thoughts or just sit quietly with our dog and a cup of tea.
If we don’t test letting others in and start to trust someone, allow them to help, let go of control, have a ‘good enough’ bar (maybe 80 to 90% will do), then life will remain a lonely place.
Life is meant to live in a commune with others. This is what life is all about.
With love in service,
Author: Tammy Rowland