Have you let yourself off the hook too easily?
“Stand up for yourself!” This statement was used by someone who thought they were encouraging a meek or quiet person who was being bullied in some form or another.
To stand up to yourself is another thing altogether. For some of us there is two differing thoughts on occasion; the one for us and possibly one against us. The negative part of your self that seems to work against everything your true and whole self wants and desires could be from your conscious or unconscious thought. You may already have quite the history with her! I’ve been know to call her “Negative Nelly” when I am aware of her work. She can be quite crafty at times and shrouds her negativity in something called REALITY.
How strong is your integrity? A definition of integrity, is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness. These are all wonderful characteristics that we all have…some of the time if not most. None of us is perfect, although some may kill ourselves trying to be.
Yes, we can have a slip here or there on occasion, but when it happens it affects us deeply. You may be thinking it has more to do with work or in relationships in your community. There you likely believe you are darn good at upholding strong principles and moral standing in a good honest manner. It may be a rare thing in some areas to drop the “integrity ball,” so to speak.
I feel good about being a person of my word. I have heard it said that if I say, “I am going to do something, colour it done!” Put a medal on my chest please. One for each of you who hear that, too!
No, I am not perfect because this is where the rubber hits the road and I have been known to drop that …ahem… ball. Where I get less than stellar results is when I am going to do something for myself or maybe even my business and flub it.
There is nobody watching, so what if I put it off? I am my own boss, right? HA! Being accountable to someone else is definitely easier than to myself. My word being my bond only works consistently for someone else, not myself. So being a person of my word has me asking myself, why don’t I always feel the same way about what I want to do for me? What is the cost, anyway?
I have had clients that ran into these issues at work. Easy to say things like;
“I’m the boss so it’s okay if I don’t get it done.”
“I am not accountable to my staff, they are accountable to me!”
“It’s my business if I decide to do something else and put that item in tomorrow’s task list, they can wait.”
You get the picture. There is a cost to everyone in this picture. If you’re the owner, then your staff may lose trust in you and figure if you don’t care, why should they. I know, they get paid to care, but just like kids, they believe what they see not what they hear. How can you expect them to show up fully if your integrity is loosey-goosey?
If you are middle management, there are people in positions both above and below who are watching. This is bad all the way around and you will have some real losses here. Poor response from everyone, poor reviews, poor relationships, lousy pay hikes and if you were thinking of moving up in the organization, forget about it.
People are talking about you and it isn’t good. You are being judged for what you do and don’t do, not what you say.
As an entrepreneur try hiring professional help when you are not on top it all. Your hired experts or people who do the grunt work may not stay and if they do you are paying them to wait on you. If you are still doing it all, well when will you get it done? How important is it anyway?
If we take integrity into your family, there is an even bigger cost. What do you promise that you consistently forget about, put off or just don’t have or make the time to get to? Have you dropped an entire box of balls there?
Disappointing a spouse maybe be fixable for a while but eventually, this erodes the trust in the relationship. They soon know how important they are to you through your actions. Eventually you cannot save this, but I hope this is not where you are right now.
With a child, after the first few times you don’t follow through on your word, it seems to get easier to do. This is because they start looking to you like they understand and accept how “busy” you are. You respond by telling yourself, you will do it next time or you think their reaction meant it was not all that important after all. They may even behave badly, have tantrums or talk back and now you justify your actions to yourself.
What’s really happening is that they stopped trusting you. They have built a wall to protect themselves against the hurt of another disappointment. You have another failed opportunity to connect and show them that they are as important to you as you are to them.
Denying your child your time and attention is devastating to their development and who they become as adults. They feel like they have little value or importance to one of the most important people in their world, until you are not. Then they pick other people who treat them with the same lack of importance still looking for the love and acceptance that only time can show them.
“Sorry,” means nothing after about the third time, it’s just a word. Making a true amend means amending your behaviour. I learned this when my children were young adults.
Everyone’s expectations of you drop to an all-time low. You might think that takes the pressure off, but no this is not the case at all.
Self-awareness is about an opportunity to change. It’s never too late to do something different. No we cannot change the past or past behaviours and there may be relationships lost in every area of life. We are not bad people for our past actions, but as aware people we know that change is in order and after all, you cannot UN-know this. If there is even a small recognition here, then you felt bad long before you started reading this, but now you may understand what was happening.
First off, you are human, and you have beat yourself up enough as this affects you. When you tell yourself that what you are not doing for yourself is not that important to do, you are saying you are not that important. You tell your subconscious self: I’m lazy, unorganized and worthless. “I’m not good enough.”
Sometimes the task you put off or didn’t get to would take moments to do but the personal berating of not doing it lasts for a long time.
Here are a few fixes that can help.
Know what is important to you. Spiritual, Family, Career. What’s the order you can live with? Make time on your schedule daily for each and you will have a fulfilling life in all areas.
Do you know your limitations? How many hours can you really work effectively in a day or week? When you are fresh and energetic you can get more done then slogging through it for a few more hours. Now you are starting tomorrow tired and dreading the long task list.
Do you know what you need versus what you want? You need a roof over your head and food in your belly. You want a Mercedes and a McMansion. If you value your family and want your children to prosper, find a way to show them with time not your wallet.
Delegate anything that you personally do not need to do. Hiring folks to do the mundane, clerical or high tech stuff just makes sense and gives you freedom.
Be kind to yourself. When you give up work time for loved ones, really put the work away and enjoy them. You are giving everyone the gift of time, including yourself.
Only say you will do what you can realistically get to. Create systems so you can do the necessary, simply and efficiently. This all starts by saying Yes and No to the right things knowing you are saying No and Yes to things that aren’t.
If you are in need of support clarifying any step in this process, please let me know. I would love to hear how this has connected with you.