Actually she really didn’t think about it as it never occurred to her there what things weren’t.
(Is there a bit of Julie in you? There is in me!)
Why do discussions always end in an argument?
How the arguments always start…
Julie travel along in her day doing and chatting and being. Then she starts up a conversation with say, her beloved. She actually has many in her day, but not all of them stick in her mind. It’s the one that he seems to be in his own world and Julie asks a question. This is not always an intelligent thing to do when her beloved is busy, but what the heck, she had time.
The conversation starts something like “What do you think about___?” It rarely matters what it is that Julie was asking, it’s her response to his answers that get her all twisted up. Julie used to be quite controlling, but as she has been working on letting this go, the right thing would be to just listen to his answer and move on.
But, NO! This is not what Julie does as she would much rather have discussions on the how and the why of his answer. Now remember she is the one with the time and the interest, not him. She decided that there was something wrong with his answer and made it HER business to convince him “HE. IS. WRONG!”
This of course starts a debate that leads to an argument and someone stomps off unhappily.
Why do we often feel what anyone thinks of this or that or me for that matter is our business?
Ultimately, the question I ask Julie is just that.
How does what he thinks affect you?
I am interested in what he thinks.
So why do you want it to be the same as yours?
I guess I want us to be on the same side of things.
How important is it that you agree?
Somewhat, I think.
Who will you be if you do not agree?
Okay, I suppose I will still be me no matter what he thinks.
Is it his business what you think about______?
Is it important that you agree with him on everything?
NO, that will never happen! Our differences are what drew me to him in the first place.
Then ultimately is it any of your business what he thinks?
Not really, actually.
Can you still love him if he does not agree with you?
Can you ask a question that does not lead to trying to convince him the light of your way?
This could be a challenge, but as I am not interested in him convincing me of some of his stuff, it seems a smart move on my part.
So when you think of this dialogue can you think of times when you tried to convince (control others) someone that your way or thought was the right and only one? Was it any of your business what they thought? Can you respect another enough to let this go? It may be necessary to walk away some of the time before the debate starts as you know where that can lead!
- Arguing Is Pointless (blogs.hbr.org)